New Year
This is the first year that I can remember that I don't have a New Year's Resolution to get in shape.
To me, that's a big accomplishment in and of itself.
On a personal note:
Ringing in the new year was a lot harder than I exepected. I don't think either my wife, Karla, or I were expecting it but as the 10 second count down started we both began crying. It errupted in a torrent of tears and emotions for my baby girl who was not with us to greet the new year.
I remember very clearly when the pediatritian told me my daughter Ava would soon die. I sat stone cold with that feeling in your gut like you've just been punched. I remember my "fight or flight instinct" kicked in and my instinct told me run even though there was nowhere to go. My wife was sleeping in an anesthetic slumber from the crash surgery and I was alone.
I fought to hold back the tears. I was standing in the middle of a maternity ward hallway watching happy expecting parents go by.
A nurse put her hand on my knee and said "It's ok to cry." I began to howl in pain as the tears rolled down my face. Another nurse or a cleaning lady (I don't remember) who was nearby came over and held me.
I was crying my wife who knew nothing yet of this and for the future we had been anticipating that had just been completely shattered and mostly for my daughter Ava who I had not yet met but who I knew I would only hold for a short while.
I wouldn't say I'm optimistic for the new year. I am hopeful though. I'm hopeful that somehow things will get easier and I'm looking forward to the day when I can finally celebrate my daughter's life without selfishly focusing on the trauma of my own loss.
To me, that's a big accomplishment in and of itself.
On a personal note:
Ringing in the new year was a lot harder than I exepected. I don't think either my wife, Karla, or I were expecting it but as the 10 second count down started we both began crying. It errupted in a torrent of tears and emotions for my baby girl who was not with us to greet the new year.
I remember very clearly when the pediatritian told me my daughter Ava would soon die. I sat stone cold with that feeling in your gut like you've just been punched. I remember my "fight or flight instinct" kicked in and my instinct told me run even though there was nowhere to go. My wife was sleeping in an anesthetic slumber from the crash surgery and I was alone.
I fought to hold back the tears. I was standing in the middle of a maternity ward hallway watching happy expecting parents go by.
A nurse put her hand on my knee and said "It's ok to cry." I began to howl in pain as the tears rolled down my face. Another nurse or a cleaning lady (I don't remember) who was nearby came over and held me.
I was crying my wife who knew nothing yet of this and for the future we had been anticipating that had just been completely shattered and mostly for my daughter Ava who I had not yet met but who I knew I would only hold for a short while.
I wouldn't say I'm optimistic for the new year. I am hopeful though. I'm hopeful that somehow things will get easier and I'm looking forward to the day when I can finally celebrate my daughter's life without selfishly focusing on the trauma of my own loss.
posted by Mark at
6:02 AM
1 Comments:
Never having had children I can't even begin to understand the pain and loss you and your wife must feel. I don't think its selfish of you or Karla to feel this loss and I think your emotions were very normal. I think the love you two seem to have for each other will make the memory of this loss, never forgotten, but perhaps easier to deal with. When things like this would generally tear a marriage apart, you two have held together and probably grown stronger in your love because of the loss you've suffered.
I wish I had some words of wisdom to impart on you, but I don't. Perhaps, if it is what you two wish, a baby will be in your 2006.
By
Kimberly Rae, at 7:42 AM, January 01, 2006
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